We all doubt ourselves enough, we don’t need anyone outside of our own mind telling us that it’s not going to work, it’s not realistic, it’s not for us, or it’s not going to work out for the best.
It’s complete bologna that we would have someone in our lives tell you that something’s not for you, and don’t get your hopes up.
Take the movie, The Pursuit of Happyness, for example: Will Smith tells his kid, don’t get your hopes up about being a basketball star. And then he checks himself and he’s like, “ok wait a minute, don’t let anyone tell you you can’t do something you want to do.”
This scene is so true, as a parent we want to protect our children and we don’t want to see them get hurt. We do this as parents, as spouses, as friends because we want to protect our friends. So we might say something to discourage someone from really putting themselves all in and then it perpetuates that cycle of them not going and doing the things they want to do.
This leads to them feeling like something is missing in their life.
They’re trying to stay safe. This has been going on since childhood – if we get out of our comfort zone, bad things happen. It’s too uncomfortable, too painful. We are going to let ourselves down, and we are used to winning and staying comfortable and so we are just going to keep doing the things we have always done. This leads to people not feeling satisfied in life.
Where does this come from?
Programming from our caregivers. From birth to seven years old, the subconsciousness is forming. Core beliefs, things we really really know about ourselves, are being formed. When we keep on being told the same story over and over and over again, it just builds on itself over and over and over again.
We so often see this story of someone being kept small by the people around them because the people around them feel threatened or need to keep them in a certain kind of container because that’s what’s more comfortable for them.
So if you have those people in your life (and we all do) I would highly encourage you to have a conversation with them about what their dreams are, what are their goals, what do they want to create for themselves, why do they think they can’t do it, what would the version of themselves be if it was already done?
Start to open up those conversations and awareness and see how it starts to shift the dynamic and prioritization of going after the things you really want.
If you’d like to explore this more and talk to me about how I can help you, please get in touch.
The one thing I spend a lot of time on with clients is the idea of acknowledging how far you have come.
Nobody wants to acknowledge how far they have come and they don’t want to celebrate the smallest of wins because they feel like it’s not perfect yet, they’re not ready yet, and so they’re not allowed to celebrate. They keep beating themselves up because they haven’t gotten as far as they’d like to go. That is exactly the way we as human beings, society, community, stay stuck.
So if you want to stay stuck where you are – keep beating yourself up. That’s exactly what you are going to get.
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The Law of Creation
The idea of this comes back to the law of creation. The law of creation is that what you focus on expands. If you want to focus on things not going well, what you could have done better, how things didn’t work out for you – that’s exactly what you are going to get.
If you want to focus instead on the smallest steps toward progress, you’ll start to amplify that.
If you find yourself in a situation where it’s just impossible for you to give yourself the credit you deserve – please get in touch with me, I would love to support you with that.
This is really what starts to build momentum towards the life you’d like to create for yourself.
Let’s start with something simple like list making.
A client I was speaking with was sharing about how she always seems to get so overwhelmed, “I can’t seem to get anything done, I have this massive list of things to do and I just can’t seem to get anything done. I just feel so scattered I can’t do anything. I know I am supposed to and I just can’t.”
The list is never done. Even when you get everything done on your list, there’s a bucket list – there’s still a closet that could be cleaned out, there’s still a trip to the thrift store, there’s still that patch that needs to be repaired in the paint.
There is always going to be something. When you focus on all the things that still need to be done – not acknowledging the things that you have already completed and crossed off your list – you are going to continue to perpetuate the feelings of not enough, there’s always more to do, there’s always something frantic, there’s always something that’s going to be in the way of having celebrations.
This is the reason why I hate the phrase “just getting started”. When someone tells me they’re just getting started, and they’re saying this is so awesome look how good I am doing and I am just getting started. For me, I’m like, my gosh – I’ve done a shit ton of work and I don’t want someone to tell me I just got started. If I just got started then how much farther away is the stuff I want to create.
When you are in the place where you are recognizing and able to celebrate a small win for yourself you can capitalize on that momentum because you are telling your subconscious that something new has happened here. Something different is here. You can build on this.
When you do that, you get more of what you want to happen. And it’s a really beautiful thing.
Celebrate the Small Wins
So let’s go back to the list making thing again. If you write out a list of everything you want to create for yourself and then every day you just pick three things you need to get done from that list, it doesn’t matter that there’s still a hundred things on the list. The fact is that there’s three less things now, then there were when you got started. And that’s worthy of celebration.
Celebration doesn’t have to be popping champagne and getting a limousine. I have a client who stretches and shines her heart up into the sky into the sun. It feels expansive for her. It literally expands her energy. She loves it, it feels good. If you think about the phrase “somebody lit up the room” that’s how I imagine her every time she does it.
So celebration could be just telling someone you had this successful thing happen. Like telling a friend, “I just completed this project a week early and I really didn’t think that was going to happen,” or “I just signed up for this new program and I really think it’s going to help me.”
Celebrating can be telling somebody that you asked for help. A lot of people don’t want to ask for help because they consider if they need help then it’s actually a failure. What if asking for help is actually a win? Because now you can have somebody help you solve those problems and then those things aren’t going to be problems anymore. And isn’t that worthy of celebration?
So if you want to be stuck, don’t do any of this.
One of the things I think is the biggest cause to human suffering is what we have in our mind and the standards that we give ourselves to live up to.
Often times these are things that are put on us, that are programmed from childhood that this is the way that it has to be and this is how we treat ourselves. And there’s something that’s not okay about telling people about what we’ve done or accomplished because it’s considered to be boastful, or rude, or insensitive to the people who aren’t having those same types of success.
But I am also going to encourage a little bit of a reframe on that:
If we continue keeping ourselves small by minimizing and trivializing those things we’ve accomplished – then how do we really inspire anybody else to do anything more than what they’ve done? How do you really create inspiration if you’re not able to share your successes? How can you help somebody else out of something if you’re not willing to share those wins? And to celebrate those wins?
And I am thinking about some clients who have worked in this area and they’re like, “you know i always thought it was boastful to celebrate those wins but now I’m recognizing that if I keep those things quiet I am staying down in the area and I am not able to help anybody out of the situations that they’re in because I am right there with them energetically.”
What You Focus on Expands
If you want to keep the good stuff squashed down then the good stuff will stay squashed down.
Most of us want something bigger, better, more expansive, more joy, more freedom, more peace. The only thing that’s blocking us from experiencing that is what we have in our mind. So if we can start giving ourselves credit where credit is due, if we can start capitalizing on small wins, even if that means doing a few jumping jax or a little dance in your chair – what it does energetically is it tells your subconscious that something is different. When we recognize the feeling of that something different and if we can do that enough, and do that over and over and over again, more things come to us a lot more easily and we have more of an opportunity to choose our battles.
Life is difficult – wouldn’t you rather choose your battles than have them handed to you?
And so this is the importance of celebration and acknowledging what is possible for you and acknowledging how far you have already come. Rather than putting yourself down for how much farther you have to go. Because to me that even just feels burdensome to write.
It’s so much harder to step into that work if I am coming at it from the perspective of I’ve just gotten started and I don’t even have the energy to keep going. But if I go, “look at that thing I did today! I crossed that off my list, what can I do next?” It’s a lot more expansive, there’s a lot more growth opportunity associated with that.
If you’re stuck on any of this, if you find yourself beating yourself up, you’re not willing to giving yourself the credit you deserve, you don’t understand the point of celebration, know this is one of the MAJOR things I work on with my clients and it’s one of the things that gets them the biggest momentum the fastest.
I know it’s a white girl problem but, I’m really tired.
I was interacting in a Facebook group the other day and there was a comment made that if people are going to be promoting their product or services in the current times, then all of the proceeds should be going to bailout finds, advocacy groups, black lives matter, etc.
I understand the sentiment of that.
In regards to the person who was promoting their product. I have never seen them ask for a sale, ever ask for membership, ever ask for money, nothing – ever. And then there was this other person going, “if you’re not doing all of it then you should be doing nothing.”
And I am here to tell you that’s fucking bullshit.
So here’s where I am at. I’m 40, I’ve been working my ass off for my whole entire life because everything always had to be perfect. It always had to live up to some kind of standard, and I am fucking exhausted right now because everything has always been if you know that you can do better, then you do better.
Every day. In every part of my life.
That’s my kids, my husband, sex, money, business, sales calls, exercising, recycling, buying organic, making sure you’re supporting the companies that aren’t racist, etc.
It’s all of this stuff all the time. I actually stopped watching documentaries for this very reason because every single documentary I watched made me feel like any decision I made, it wasn’t going to be right.
I’m tired of that. I’m sure a lot of people are tired of that.
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So I am here to tell you today, any progress that you make going forward – it’s enough. Any contribution that you make going forward – it’s enough. Unless you’re feeling guilty because you know you could do more, then do more if that’s what feels good for you.
But if you’re in the place where you are like, “I should give up every luxury I have to support these other things.”
Is that really what’s right for you?
Because Maybe those things that you are classifying as luxuries, maybe those things are actually needs.
Like for instance, I went and checked out a new gym this morning. I do best when I go to a gym and I am told what to do by a trainer who knows how to work with injured bodies. If that’s not happening, then I don’t go to the gym. I had been thinking to myself – maybe I shouldn’t go. Like, maybe I should take whatever that investment would be and donate it to bailout funds. And maybe I will just try to figure it out on my own. And then I’m like, you know what, thats exactly the thing that got me injured. I have to take care of myself first. I need to do these things so that I can show up more fully towards those things, towards those activities and advocacy groups the way that I want to.
If I’m not exercising, I don’t feel good. And if I don’t feel good, I can’t work more. If I can’t work more, I can’t help more people. If I can’t help more people, I can’t make the money that I need to make so that I can go support the causes and give them the money that I want to give them.
So – back to the woman in the Facebook group. I totally understand where her heart is, and at the same time when we are putting all of this pressure on people to do every single thing that is in your power to do every single day, it leads to burn out.
It leads to a 40 year old white woman going, “I need a fucking break, man.” I don’t like being that, but at the same time I know that it’s what created it. It’s perfectionism, its that no choice that you make is ever good enough when you are a conscious person and you care. It’s like saying, “well if you really cared about that then you would do everything in your power.”
It’s true. But it also leads to burnout. It doesn’t leave any room for flexibility. It doesn’t leave any room for small steps forward. It doesn’t leave any room for rest and recovery. It doesn’t leave any room for sitting back and taking the time to reflect. And just take it easy and find the ease and the flow in those things that feel good. Because everything that we do, should always feel good. It should always come from integrity and allowance and flow. And when we can do that, we can actually do more. If we are being shamed because it’s not enough then we are always going to be in this state of proving ourselves, and proving ourselves is never the right place to create things from because its not in alignment with what our soul wants for ourselves. Our soul, at our heart level, we already know we are good. It’s all of these external things and sources of pressure that are put on us that create a lot of friction.
My work is in dismantling all of that, even when I am going through it myself.
I am tired AND I love my work.
At the same time it just doesn’t feel as important right now because of all of these other things that are going on out there. I’ve been trying to get this right for so long and then this thing that has been there and should have always been on my plate in a more profound way that now is, that is the thing that has pretty much taken all of my energy away because I have been trying to do everything right for so long.
These are things we all have to work on. We all have to work on these things actively.
We do this because the narrative and the dialogue is that if you are going to do something – you go all the way and you do it right, and you don’t give yourself a break and it doesn’t matter because if you know it then that’s what you do from now on. And there is no room for error, and there is no room for mistakes. That’s what puts us in situations where we are failing.
So that’s what I am here to change that narrative. Even as I teach it, I am still learning it myself.
I am here today to say that everything that you are capable of doing for yourself and for others, that is enough. If you’re wanting to do more out of feeling guilty, that is not the right place from which to do it. Do it because it feels good, feels supportive, because it gives you life and energy and it helps you raise up to where you want to be. If you’re doing it from guilt, that’s not the right place. I want to tell you today to take a break. There is a lot of stuff going on, it doesn’t mean stop learning, it doesn’t mean stop participating and having conversations. It doesn’t mean all of that but it does mean to take some time to take care of yourself and do your best not to allow people to put things on you in the name of trying to be a better person.
Hi, I’m Cati
I work with you to identify the beliefs that are creating your current reality, and together we Balance those beliefs so they support you in creating the life you want to be living. I’m glad you’re here!